Hello. I have tried two other blogs before this and never felt quite right about them, or have had issues and taken them down in an emotional fit. Sorry to those followers.
I have struggled with mental illness for over 2 decades. I have struggled with anorexia since I was 13.
However, since I was 11, I have wanted to be a writer and have always found literature and words to be more important than anything else in my life. Last year, I was on Amazon (of course) and was considering buying diet pills when I realized I needed a bag more than diet pills. It couldn’t be just any bag; it had to be big enough to carry my books, multiple books. It was at this time that I developed the idea of poetry not pounds and decided to choose poetry over my eating disorder.
Two years ago, I got really sick because of the anorexia and went through 8 months of intensive therapy. I dropped out of school and focused completely on eating. It was the most difficult 8 months of my life. Now, I am overweight and freaking out on a daily basis about my body and I am back in treatment for anorexia. It is frustrating.
I am not doing the greatest job though. I am not supposed to know my weight and I have weighed myself three times already this month. The last time really hurt as the number was unexpected. I am also still struggling with restricting and bingeing. I feel crazy saying it, but that is my daily struggle. And sometimes, I binge because I don’t know what else to do with myself.
Today, I was stuck thinking about society and the whole health communications campaign to have fewer calories in than out and to think before you drink. It makes me crazy. I drink diet soda because of these campaigns. I am terrified to drink calories unless it is coffee and even then, I feel incredibly guilty because of the creamer. I used to drink skinny lattes and calculate how many calories were really in it if I used an extra shot of espresso. I used to be a calorie counting genius.
Now, I am skilled at nothing. I can barely follow the meal plan, which just started including extra snacks. And my biggest fear is realized on a daily basis: once I start eating, I really struggle to stop, which then resets the restriction, the bingeing, the restriction… To be honest, I feel like giving up.
I won’t, because I am not a quitter. I have to live by the idea that discomfort precedes growth. I also have to recognize that God will be with me through this process; I just have to trust Him, which is difficult after all of these years. I have to trust though that He has plans for me, greater than I can imagine.