I realized the other day that I want to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. I struggle with being thankful and appreciative of my life; I think that is a hallmark of depression and anxiety and pain. Anyway, I have been trying to express gratitude and to recognize all of the things that I do have.
I am thankful for friends, family, my new nephew (whom I haven’t met yet), my creativity, my arms and hands for writing and holding books and helping me get through my activities for each day, my feet and legs for walking and taking me places and holding me up, my stomach for helping to nourish my body, my mouth for speaking my mind, my brain for interpreting and understanding and explaining things, my ears for hearing, my eyes for seeing, my lungs and nose and mouth for breathing and helping me live…
I am thankful for a lot, but it is difficult to recognize all of those things in a moment and to remember to be thankful when I feel so frustrated with my life and my body. I am sitting here and listening to Britt Nicole to provide me with some uplifting music to continue my day and hopefully lift my spirits and to remind me that God loves me.
I will admit that God’s love seems to be a bit of a mystery to me. I am not the greatest person in the world. I am full of flaws and, often, am ungrateful for so many things that He has blessed me with. I can’t even successfully complete a Bible study. To be honest, I think it is a result of being very hurt by churches and feeling abandoned by Him. However, the idea of His love keeps coming back to me and it shocks me. Of course, my parents’ love for me shocks me.
I don’t have much to offer the world. I used to think I was destined for great things, but am now struggling to get through each day without destroying my sense of self. I keep trying, but I am not always successful. I want to be my best person and the best person for the world and to be a light in the world (I used to be), but it is difficult.
This is Monday and the second day of a new week. I have goals for this week to be productive and to try my hardest to stay the course with recovery. I botched last week and yesterday. So, today begins a new day with new hope and new goals. I even put on lipstick to make myself feel better and to feel like I am doing more than sitting in my pajamas all day long.
My one major goal (starting now) is trying not to trigger myself this week. So, no more weighing and no watching television shows or movies that will make me want to engage in problem behaviors. A lot of television can hurt people in delicate moods. Please, if you are in a delicate situation, ask for help, call a friend, call the suicide hotline, watch something funny, and push yourself to keep going.
This post started with gratitude and I must say that I am grateful to be writing this post. I am grateful to be alive. If it wasn’t for interruptions and interventions, I wouldn’t be here today.
Keep going. I’m trying to.