Today was a win. I didn’t run out of group in tears. Yes, I am 33 and this is still a struggle for me. I shared my self-soothe kit and the past week’s struggles and I also really opened up in individual therapy (something that is very difficult for me). I may have a tendency to bury things and pretend that I am stoic, despite struggling.
I have been faced with a dichotomy of emotions and thoughts these past few weeks. I have felt both awesome and worthless at varying times. There is no happy medium. I can barely see myself as deserving of anything. I look at myself and see the end of the road. I see a pointless future full of endless cycles of depression and survival. I, in my weaker moments, wonder why I should bother.
Why should I bother?
Because my family needs me, my sister’s children look up to me, my dog is skittish and depends on me to make his world safe, my brothers may need me for more than spelling and grammar one day… Unsure what my purpose is, I will keep going. Giving up is not an option.
Today, I had a major win in therapy. I admitted that I have started to give in to these thoughts that I have no future and there is no point to my existence. Afterward, I took a few moments and started to go to bed super early, but then decided that I do have value and have something to offer the world.
I encourage others. I need to learn to encourage myself. So, today, I also submitted a story to a literary journal. I am not a horrible writer. Actually, I am a fairly decent writer. I have submitted to other places and been given positive feedback, but have never won prizes or been accepted for publication. That does not mean that I am not a good writer. It just means that I have not hit the right journal or audience. I will get there one day.
Having a positive sense of self is not indicative of inflated self, but can be healthy. I need to remember that. Sometimes, a lady needs to listen to some Meghan Trainor and remember her worth. Let’s add some Britt Nicole in there, too.
I invite you to think about your worth and think not only about your feelings about yourself, but how others think of you and how God might think of you.
God probably cries on my behalf with the amount of self-loathing I experience. I cry, too. So, for an experiment, I am going to try some affirmations and try to build myself up. Crazy idea, I know. It seems silly. It is easier to give into the bad feelings and to not try to fight them. It is easier to stay in bed. It is easier to take medicine to hide our emotions than it is to face them head-on. I am guilty of all of this. My go-to for dealing with difficult experiences is to take a vacation and move there. I really like my bed and sleeping.
Problem: I hate being unproductive.
So, my writing this post tonight is fighting my vacation urges. I ran out of PTO. So, time to put forth the effort and face my life. I can handle it. I’ve survived for 33 years, nearly 34, and I will keep surviving.