Sitting at my desk, I ponder why I have been ruminating so much lately. Why are victims blamed for their own victimization? Why do tow companies get to charge victims of auto theft so much money? Why do some people just get away with so many things?
The bigger question is: WHY am I letting it get to me?
Some of these issues have affected me, but years ago or months ago. I can’t control the past. I can’t control karma. I think if I ever get another dog, I may name it “Karma,” just so I can say I have Karma on my side.
So, I am dealing with all of these ruminating thoughts and I keep getting more and more upset. It isn’t worth it. There is nothing that I can do to change these situations and stewing over the past only makes me feel dreadful.
What do I do?
I guess I can push the thoughts away, but that kind of makes me think of trying not to think about pink elephants when all you can think about is pink elephants.
I suppose the best thing to do is to try to make meaning out of it. Perhaps, reminding myself that I am pretty awesome to survive that stuff and that I am kind of a B.A. It doesn’t feel genuine, but I suppose that is one way of thinking.
I have tried to make meaning out of many senseless things. It frustrates me to be faced with this idea that there is something greater that can come from violence or terrible experiences. I suppose this is where God comes in?
I used to be really angry at God for allowing things to happen to me, but I suppose, like me, others have to be given freedom of choice. Their acts of violence and crime were a result of their choices. My rights were violated, but now I have the choice to make good or bad decisions based on my freedoms. God gave me those choices. God didn’t want those bad things to happen to me, but He also had to give those men the power to choose.
It has taken me years to reach this mindset. I really hated the idea that God just allows bad things to happen, but He cannot keep us from sinning; that choice is ours. It was not God’s fault. God did not abandon me. He just couldn’t protect me from man, or maybe He did in some way and I am unaware. I know He has protected me in other ways.
God loves me and wants to see me blossom. He loves me more than I can understand. My family loves me more than I can understand. To be honest, I don’t get it. I love them, but I see them as understandably loveable people while I am fallible and frustrating and emotional and completely unstable in so many ways.
Lately, this dichotomy of my feelings of adequacy and inadequacy have torn me down. I feel lost inside this pain of self-loathing. I am afraid that I am too much and never enough all at the same time. I have to find balance. That is my goal: finding balance.
I cannot control the past. I cannot control what other people do to me. I can only control myself and do my best to ensure my safety and well-being. I need balance and I will try for that.