I have not blogged this week because I have really been at a loss as to what to even write. My mind has been a bit everywhere and I have wondered what I really have to offer, if anything. To be honest, so much of my life feels pointless these days.
I was given the task of identifying things within my reality that I don’t want to accept. Geez. Talk about deep thoughts. I prefer to ignore those parts of my reality. Really. Who really wants to face that which they don’t want to accept?
So, here goes my list of reality sucking experiences:
I can no longer write like I used to. I have had to adapt my writing style to fit a more sustainable life.
I have to take medicine every day.
I have to live with chronic pain.
This past week, my medicine was increased.
I have a disability.
My levels of concentration are greatly diminished from whence they were a few years ago.
Now, my life still has some positives. I am grateful for my family and for all that I am capable of doing. I have been able to adapt to some of these difficulties. I am learning to adapt to other frustrating situations.
What I am going to focus on today is medicine.
I need medicine to survive. I have tried going without medicine, specific medicines, using supplements, adapting my lifestyle… I have tried and failed time and time again to go without medications. I suffer from Bipolar Type I and it is a difficult beast to master. I’ve had some people tell me to just try harder or think happy thoughts or don’t get carried away… All of which is good advice. If only my disease would agree to follow it.
I know I have used that phrase often in my life, especially since the onset of my disease. If only I hadn’t refused to listen to the doctors. If only I had not been so stubborn. If only they would have realized that it was more than BPD. If only someone had helped me. If only someone had listened and tried to teach me how to cope.
Maybe I wouldn’t be in this position today. Maybe I would be able to work and function and do all of the things that my peers are doing. Maybe I would have my second masters and be teaching. Maybe I wouldn’t be terrified to be around people. Maybe I could handle meetings. Maybe I would have written the next great American novel already.
I am not sure where my life would be right now were it not for my illnesses, but I do know that without medication, I would not be alive. Without hospitals and doctors, I would not be alive.
So, two days ago, when my doctor upped my medicine, I had to make a choice: accept and get better or be frustrated and miserable and possibly decide to stop taking it. I have come to the realization that medicine does not change who I am as a person, it makes me more myself and allows me to live as myself.
I hate the medicine, but need it and so will continue to take it, so that I can be as much of myself as possible and as functional as possible. Just because I have an illness, does not mean that I have to abandon myself.