So, after my latest stint in madness, I am pondering reasons to live and what I want in my life.
Books, travel, relationships… So, I am making lists. I am putting together a list of books that I have always wanted to read and places that I want to see. I am sure there are many more things to do that I have not yet considered to make a list of, but these shall do for now.
Currently, I have 35 books/series of books listed and a page of places to visit. Surprisingly, these lists are keeping me motivated for today. I hope they keep the motivation going in the future.
I have been thinking quite a bit about the Buddhist principle of 10,000 things. I appreciate the idea, as I understand it, that all things are interconnected and many provide reasons to be thankful.
I was pondering all the things and people who are connected to me and I started realizing that I affect things. My thoughts and behaviors have repercussions: there is a ripple effect. So, my connectedness to anyone and anything would be affected by my actions or lack of action. So, do I really want to disrupt the pattern of my life for my comfort?
Virginia Rometty spoke some wise words when she said that “Growth and Comfort do not Coexist.” It is easy to give into our deepest and darkest thoughts, or our frivolous attitudes, but, ultimately, we have to face the consequences of our actions and how we must move forward into growth. It is not an easy task. It would be far easier to continue to live blindly unaware of how we impact others and the world around us. It takes strength to face the world. It takes strength to grow. But, we must be gentle with ourselves as we undergo this process.
As I have faced these past few days, I have had to be gentle with myself and recognize that recovery is not always linear. This most recent trip into the hospital does not reflect stagnation or defeat; it reflects a spirit of perseverance. It is far easier to evade our fears than to face them. So, kudos to me and to whomever has fought the fight against suicidal urges and survived.
I have a struggle ahead of me as I discern how to move forward and find reasons to keep living, so I am making these lists as a way of promoting life and continuance. I have many things that I have always wanted to do and giving into depression will not allow me to accomplish any of them. As it is, it will be a struggle to accomplish them. Let me not despair and abandon hope.
I want more to my life than my illnesses. I want fulfillment as much as anyone does. God has given me a tiny ember of hope; I must tend to it until it is burning bright and I can warm my spirit to greet each new day with gratitude and peace.