I had my appointments today, including one that involved getting my lupron shot. To be honest, today was difficult. I have two more doctors’ appointments this week and an appointment to get my car evaluated for repairs. This week is already hurting and it has only just begun.

So, I need to make some goals for my life. I am not completely unstable, but just enough that making goals and sticking with them is difficult. Life is difficult, but not impossible. I am trying to think of goals for treatment and am kind of stuck.

Most of my treatment revolves around the eating disorder and learning skills to deal with food and other stressors. To be honest, talking about food is frustrating. I am overweight and want to take action to better my health, but the concern is that I will go too far. As a result, I have just given up on managing my intake, trying to eat balanced, or using moderation. It just seems so pointless when there is no respect for my frustrations.

Today, however, I was asked what I wanted. I was flummoxed. I spent an hour telling my therapist that I wanted balance, sustainability, and to feel better. Unfortunately, I was lost as to how to make that happen. I could eat more frequently, but that frustrates me as I am terrified of eating more than I already am. I can eat more fruits and vegetables, but that might cut out excess refined sugar and activate the anorexia. I feel stuck. I feel ashamed about what I eat, but the solutions all seem tied to the eating disorder. I need moderation, but don’t know how to attain it.

I left the clinic in tears, unsure what to do. As I sat and pondered my predicament, I realized that there is more to me than the eating disorder and being tied up in treatment just for the anorexia is belittling my other life affirming activities. Why can’t treatment be about building more? Why do I have to limit it to anorexia? I know that is not the true goal, but it really feels like I run from one crisis to another. I am tired of it.

So, my goals need to be more focused on things that I enjoy and on making me feel better overall. So, in regards to treating my anorexia, I want balance by eating foods in moderation. I want to eat more sustainable foods. I am tired of going for quick energy fixes. I want a plan that includes variety in fruits and vegetables and protein sources. I really want to feel better. I want to start doing yoga and working my body gently to help alleviate some pain and to make me stronger. I am tired of being in pain and feeling weak and powerless.

In addition to those goals, I want to start a regular writing practice. I love writing (as if you didn’t know) and feel that being a writer is a huge part of my identity. I wanted to have a book published by the time I was 30. Now, I will be 34 next week and only have a few chapters written. My illnesses stole my brain. I have to fight to get it back. But, I am a fighter and will regain my place in this world. I will eke out a new existence for myself and persevere.

I told my dietitian that I got out of bed because being in bed was boring. She said that she expected a better reason. There is a better reason: I deserve to live. I deserve to live a life that is reimagined for my needs. I want to encounter peace and productivity. So, I will keep going.

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