Yesterday, I made a dent in my goal to start doing yoga (starting this coming Saturday). I went and got exercise clothes. When I was checking out, the cashier asked me if I wanted to keep my hangers. I told her no. I have TONS upon TONS of hangers. I have more hangers than clothes and they take up most of my closet. Anyway, I digress. I just was pondering this morning on hangers and started thinking about past hangers versus present hangers.

I used to have a color coordinated closet and dresser. I had specific hangers for specific things and it was arranged according to a specific color pattern. That is how organized I used to be. Now, I have dressy clothes on one side and loungewear on the other. I can’t even see through all of my closet, so having very much organization is impossible. My dresser was arranged according to type of clothing and color. I am surprised that this is no longer the case. I used to be a stickler for organization; I even ironed my towels and sheets in college. WHAT?!?!

So, what happened?

I am not as energetic or as driven to be as organized as I used to be. I still organize, but never to those great lengths. I think that’s okay. While I do miss the structure of my room having specific locations and systems for everything, I recognize that not being anal about placement of everything is a step in the right direction. My OCD is getting better.

I had OCD for most of my life and still have inklings of it, but nothing compared to where I used to be. I used to be petrified to touch things and if I hit an unexpected bump in a parking lot while I was alone, I often circled around to be sure that I didn’t hit someone run over his/her body. The frequency of intrusive thoughts and worries about committing crimes or running over people or terrors about germs seeping through my pores–it was overwhelming. I wasn’t just OCD in a matter of organizing, but in so many ways.

I find it interesting when people say they are OCD, but really are just talking about being organized. I wish people really knew what it was like to be terrified to touch a piece of paper that has fallen on the ground. I wish they knew what a win it is to sit in a cloth chair and put your hands on it without freaking about germs. OCD is a LOT more than just being incredibly organized; it is terrifying and overwhelming.

I will say that I have come a long way and that not as many things scare me now as they once did. I can even hold a baby. I can’t change a diaper, but who really wants to? Let the momma do that (Sorry, Sis).

As I sit here and listen to the rain pound outside, I am grateful for all that I have and for how far I have come. I fear the future: better or worse. However, I am eager to greet it.

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