Making Repairs

So, my car was stolen on February 5th; it was recovered, but after I had already spent my tax return money on a beat up Ford Explorer. Her name is Stella. She has quirks and charms, but more quirks. Anyway, I have been fixing her up a little bit at a time. Right now, I am doing more than I would ordinarily because I have had some extra funds.

Anyway, onto my point. I was thinking today about prompting events and emotions and yada yada yada…

When I hear a car start outside and pull out abruptly, I jump to the window to be sure that Stella is still there. Even though I have the only key and she takes a special maneuvering to unlock, my gut reaction any time that I hear sudden car sounds is that my car is being stolen. AGAIN.

I was thinking about consequences of avoiding behaviors and of avoiding making necessary changes and I thought about Stella. She is difficult to steal and not exactly primo material with some door handles missing and being unable to open the rear hatch. Also, her special needs, low gas mileage, and ability to stand out in a crowd makes her a low target. But, my fear is still there. I seriously thought about not making repairs to ensure that she would remain unwanted by the criminal element.

Unfortunately, that would continue to mean that my wipers would come on randomly and back-up lights wouldn’t work and that I would never be able to use all of my vehicle. Currently, I can only use the front seats. Do I want to avoid change to avoid fear of the unknown?

I can easily avoid making repairs and continue to have a car that I can’t use fully and cope with the quirks of a poorly working vehicle, or I can put forth the time and effort to make her something that I feel safe and comfortable driving.

I was thinking about all of this and realized that many times in life, we avoid making changes because we are scared of being hurt again or fear that something dreadful will happen. We grow comfortable in our discomfort and changing means approaching the unknown. We could fall flat on our faces and suffer endlessly… Or, it could be awesome.

We could really blossom and grow from making changes. We could be proud of ourselves and learn to effectively adapt to the frustrations of our lives. In fact, our lives could be made so much better.

It is scary. Growth is scary. Change is scary. How do we know what will happen? How do we know that we won’t end up stuck?

We don’t. However, we also do not know that it will end badly. As I said, it could be awesome.

I am terrified of change. I am really struggling right now from making changes in medicine and the changes in my body and changes in my life structure. I have not adapted. I feel like I am regressing and all I can think is that I am not ready for these changes. However, I am not NOT ready for these changes.

I have hit a point that I need to identify what I want and go after it. I fear repercussions and that I will fall as I move forward. I am unsure of what each day holds, but I need to figure it out. I can’t stay stagnant forever and still expect to live my life. I constantly say that I want more, but why am I not reaching for it?

I fear failure more than anything. I worry that going after something and not achieving it will mark my existence. So, how can I keep going in the midst of the chaos in my mind? Should I give up my goals for writing and living a life of wholeness for a life of simplicity and stagnation? What value and purpose does that give me?

I know that there is more to life than skating by. I know that I want more. Now, I just need to make a plan to achieve it. Goals are one thing, but action is even greater.

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